Patent it 2!

After calling some insurance companies this afternoon and 3-hole-punching 1000 pieces of paper, it was back to patent searching. And I’ve found some good stuff for you all today. So, let’s just get right down to it.

Number one is the “Easy Inter Burial Container.” This is advertised on the front page as an earth-friendly way to bury people. You essentially put your dead loved on in a really tight screw-like container and… screw them into the ground. It’s supposed to reduce excavating and burial costs because you don’t have to remove huge plots of dirt and replace them over the coffin. It’s beneficial for cemeteries, though, because

“They also decrease the land space required for each burial and provide for burials in normally unused areas within the cemetery, greatly increasing the number of burials possible in each cemetery.”

So, it’s economical for everyone involved. Less cost all around.

Except…

Think of the joke potential on this one. “Screw him over one last time.” “The final screw in the coffin.” Classic.

I’m not really invested in how I am taken care of after I pass away. Sean wants to be shot into space. I don’t think I’d mind being put in a giant screw… Don’t laugh at that. Also, is “Inter” supposed to be Enter in the title to this one?

May I introduce the “Sub-Counscious Mind-Controlled Amusement Device?” After reading the thing and studying the diagrams, I’ve decided it’s like a Ouija Board only it’s a circle with letters and numbers and the person holds “an upright elongate object” or a pencil, and their mind tells them where to point it:

The movement of the elongate object and the hand holding the latter, is believed to be in response to mental concentration of the user to the extent that the subconscious mind takes over as may occur in a form of self-hypnosis.

Obviously my mind will take over and hypnotize itself in order to tell itself a message. Right? This is probably just an expensive way to tell yourself what you already know. Or it’s a magic 8-ball hangy-thing.

Q: “Will I ever win the lottery?”

A: “Get a life and get a real job. Quit mooching off your poor parents.”

Wait. What?!

This patent was filed by Mr. Edward L. Van Halen. I thought the illustration was the funniest thing on the planet, the name coming in a close second. I present “Musical Instrument Support,” or more clearly, that foldy thing on the back of a picture frame but for a guitar. Mr. Van Halen, who probably didn’t write the patent, claims that this device will,

“permit total freedom of the player’s hands to play the instrument in a completely new way, thus allowing the player to create new techniques and sounds previously unknown to any player.”

Previously unknown to any player… except you, Mr. Van Halen. Touche. What’s weird about this invention, or maybe it’s just the illustration, but it looks like the “plate which rests upon the player’s leg” is actually resting on either his crotch or his stomach. Either way Van Halen’s leather pants don’t seem to make it easy to manipulate. Maybe he has to squat down to play it. I tried finding a picture of him using it. No such luck.

This torture device is none other than the “Shark Protector Suit.” It is pretty much jest a wet suit with spikes all over it.

“The suit and helmet have a plurality of spikes extending outward therefrom to prevent a shark from clamping its jaws over the wearer.”

The spikes don’t look long enough to deter a shark, and wouldn’t it have to bite you before it discovers that you’re pokey all over? So… you’ll still end up in a shark’s mouth either way. Also, what happens when you have to scratch your shoulder or something? This doesn’t seem like a wearer-friendly suit either.

The patent mentions optional oxygen/SCUBA gear. Optional? Last time I checked sharks are 100% water animals and the longest breath ever held was 20 minutes 10 seconds by some guy in Denmark. If SCUBA gear is optional, who are these suits intended for? Regular beach-goers? Shark-studying scientists (they usually use SCUBA gear)?

Oh, well, it looks like some strange torture device or an X-Man costume.

I hope you’ve enjoyed this edition of Patent it! Hopefully I can keep this going, because it’s pretty interesting to research.

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