Thoughts on being a bully

Just now I was refilling my water bottle in the water dispenser at my work. The water pressure in that thing is like that of a … really slow water dispenser. So, I usually spend a lot of time in front of the fridge at work. 1. Because I drink of a lot of water (like 32 oz every two hours) and 2. because it takes a lifetime to fill up my 32 oz bottle.

While refilling my bottle I looked at myself in the reflection of the fridge (stainless steel, I mean, come on, I work at a law firm. And wow, look how many commas in this tiny parenthetical. Splice much?).  I noticed that I looked a lot like the Joker from The Dark Knight.

I looked like a stainless steel version of this.

Then I started making scary faces in the fridge reflection on purpose which reminded me of when I used to chase my brother around the house with a scary smile on my face. The kind of smiles that look like you’re in pain, you know?

And I know older siblings are supposed to rough up the younger ones a bit. But I still feel bad for things like this. Attempts to jump out from dark places. Pretending to ignore him when he was asking my questions that I was WAY too cool to answer.

This is one reason I don’t want to have kids. I’m afraid I’ll pass on my bullying ways. I would hate to see my kid be bullied, or worse, be a bully.

They say that bullies are the result of being bullied. That bullies just want to feel power over someone because, in some part of their lives, they’re the victim.

My mom used to say to me, “Quit picking on your brother, and just love on him.”

I don’t know what made me feel like I had to be such an ass to my younger brother, but I’m really sorry for it now. I wish I were a better sister.


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