A Night with the Water Tech

Right after we moved in, Sean received a call that a company would like to come test our water. They said it’d take 25 to 30 minutes, and we’d get a free $25 restaurant gift card. Sounds like a pretty good deal, right? So Sean arranged for them to come one Wednesday between 5 and 6pm.

When he told me about this, I was a little suspicious since some people had done the same thing to my mom and never showed up. She then realized that she’d told them exactly when she would and wouldn’t be home. Not cool, scammers. Not cool. Sean decided that he just wouldn’t answer the door on Wednesday. If these potential scammers came.

Fast forward to that night. I’m pulling into the driveway around 5:30 and a man is parked right in front of our house, waiting.

Window Creeper

Sean’s attempt to send him away/pretend no one was home was foiled. And the man creepily met me at my car and then followed me in the house. Of course, the house was a mess and weirdly hot and humid. Perfect for company.

What followed was NOT a 30-minute testing of our water, but a 1 hour and 30-minute demonstration of how we had hard water, filled with chemicals and death and chlorine, and how his water filtration system could keep our drinking water cleaner, our bathrooms sparkling, skin so soft, water heater alive, etc. etc. He put our water in beakers and tubes, added chemicals, had us stick our hands in it, had us put a washcloth in it. You get the picture. The first two test were cool, but I was getting hungry and irritated after that.

The “water tech” then sat us down at the table to tell us “how much we’d save!!!!!” by buying his product. Except that we don’t spend what a normal family does. We haven’t purchased a single item of clothing/linen/rugs/the like in 5 months. We only turn the air conditioning on at night. Out last gas bill was, like, $6. The guy was baffled that we only drink water, and that we split a root beer every so often. So his big reveal of how much money we’d save, was actually WAY higher than what we spend now. $50 more a month. Sean was interested in the water filtration system for drinking water, except for when the guy dropped the price: $7,000 for the unit, $1,000 for installation, $120 for filters. Hell to the no. Then he called his boss right in front of us to help us get a “better deal!” The deal, $6,990! Ten dollars, you guys. Deal of the century.

Throwing Money Away

The worst part was the “marketing” materials, if you can even call them that. The guy had obviously been saying the same script for the past 24 years he’d told us he was in the water technician business. When he went off the script, he added a little, “and that” suffix to every. stinking. sentence. and phrase. The sheet of benefits he gave us included unverifiable claims like, “Cleaner bathrooms, shinier showers!” And, “Softer skin with cleaner water!” What is the exact measure for shininess or softness? Is there a shinometer? A softness scale? All subjective. A bathroom’s clean if you clean it. The end.

I thought we were almost done after 30 mins, then after an hour, and finally after 1:30, Sean put and end to it.

We pretty much decided it was over after he was like, “Wait! There’s more! You’ll get 5 years of detergents, soaps, and the like!” He tried to get us to wait in the house while he got some “purified” drinking water from his car, and, at that point, Sean was like, “Seriously, GTFO.”

SharkBait Ooo Ha ha

Then the guy started getting mad. I guess I would too, if I went through an hour and half spiel only to be rejected. He should have taken the hint when Sean didn’t answer the door. He said, “Well, Sean, it tells me you’re not going to call me back when you don’t even want to try the water!” You should have started off with the water, man. Not tried to trap us in our own house while you went out to the car to get up bottles of possibly poisoned H2O. Then Sean started getting mad, “We’re getting hungry and I have work to do.”

I told “Kevin the Water Tech” that, “You see how frugal we are. We split a bottle of root beer! We’re not going to make a $7,000 decision in one night.” Heck, that’s half of a decent used car! It was awkwardly silent as he angrily packed his mad scientist kit. He kept commenting on how young we are and how nice our house is, and I was about 3 seconds from saying, “Not to be pompous, Kev, but people our age don’t buy houses like this because they make $7,000 decisions on the spot.”

Wednesday night was kind of a bust because of that. I wanted to watch my birthday movie, but we didn’t have enough time by the time the water guy left at 7!!!!! PM!!!!! It makes me mad just thinking about it.

Kitty Hulk

Afterward, Sean and I raced to heat up some leftovers since we were so starving, and spent the night ranting about the experience back and forth while watching an episode of Game of Thrones and scarfing down birthday Thai and ice cream cake.

Has anyone else had an experience like this? Where sales people tricked you into hearing their script and then got mad when you weren’t interested?

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One thought on “A Night with the Water Tech

  1. I laughed out loud when that GIF popped up. Sorry that Kev had to crash your perfectly fine evening.

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